Most days I feel like my stuffing is bulging out from my unraveled sems and I have morphed into an Army drill sargeant. With every "don't do that again or else!", "stop dragging that out, I just cleaned it up!", "leave your sister alone!", "can't you see I'm trying to have a conversation on the telephone?!", "i need some peace and quite!", "please get out from under my feet!", "i just filled that juice cup up for the 69th time today!", "is your daddy ever coming home?! i'm quickly going crazy!"
The things in my mind are running around like a train track on crack! And I scream "how in the world will I get it all done?!!"
This is a major area of struggle for me. So many see me as having the perfectly clean house with such an "organized" life, but it's really not that way. I feel over-whelmed with guilt at the end of more days than not, and wake up to the same full plate the next day with no perfect idea on how to "clean" it.
We all have struggles and short-comings. Some are different than others. For me, I believe the "getting it all done while trying to still make good use of this short time God has given me at home with my kids.... and not feeling like I've failed them....feeling like a failure at helping others.... trying to be a wife that has the time and/or energy to acknowledge my husband... trying to honor and obey God with our budget.... trying to somehow cram in a second for a shower and maybe a little make-up" ....is my struggle. I often have the thought "If I could just figure it out like she has then I'd be more successful as a wife and mother." For some it may be keeping a clean house. Staying caught up on the laundry. Organzing the closets and drawers. Loving and respecting your husband. Being faithful to a commitment. Eating healthy. Losing weight.
I've told myself today::: We all have insecurities! Every single one of us. Can you believe it? Even those that have it all and have it all together!
Beth Moore does a fantastic job encouraging us women on this dreaded topic. She too has stuggled her entire lifetime with debilitating insecurities. And who would have thought it! If you've ever seen or heard Beth Moore speak, you know she is beautiful. Her hair is just right, she's dressed to a "T" in her size 6, with all the pretty accesories, and Lord knows the girl can talk! We think what in heaven's name does she have to be insecure about? But that's just my point.
"I'm convinced that many women---if not most---have enough insecurity to hinder them. I recently surveyed more than nine hundred women and found that 78% admitted to having feelings of insecurity at or above a level that bothers them. That qualifies as a major cry for healing."
---------- So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore
Most nights when John comes in from work, I am hagard, wearing a frown and the same night gown I had on when he left that morning. He's lucky if I say hello, and really lucky if I actually stop what I'm doing long enough to walk over and give him a 'welcome home'. Yes, I know that's what I'm supposed to do. I just don't feel like it. I've yelled at the kids non-stop, I've swept the floor at least 49 times, I've been buried alive in laundry, I've wiped everything from fannies to counters to noses to fingers. That hideous night gown is hanging on by a thread because I've had a child or two pull on me all day and stretch it with each demanding yank. I feel completely over-whelmed by not only the commitments at home but also those outside ones. I wonder what in the world I'm doing. Why in the world am I doing it? I can't get it all together. And when I finally fall into bed the guilt takes over. Because I know I'm not supposed to be like that. To act like that. To feel like that. So I drown in guilt. It's a vicious cycle!
Praise God His mercies are new every morning. And I will learn to except that fact.
And believe it or not, I still stand firm on the belief that I am right where God wants me in this season of my life. I would not trade it. I would not change it. I will not back down from that or allow satan to make me doubt it.
I will adopt the new motto that although I can do 10 things at a time ........
I CANNOT DO IT ALL.
And by golly george, that is OKAY!
This post was inspired by one of my favorite blogs Jones Design Company.